Revised 1st semester essay Explanation

The things I decided to change in my essay included: sentence structure; organization of paragraphs; imagery and details; and more inclusion of the poem “To the Virgins”. I changed sentence structure to be a bit more varied and less lengthy. I also tried to cut out excessive repetition of details packaged in threes. I split off some sentences to be separate paragraphs in order to highlight specific points in the essay. I definitely added more details and imagery as to the hospital stay to emphasize the life-changing aspect of it, cutting out the original ending anecdote as too sentimental and unorganized for the essay’s message. Lastly, I tried to include more text from the poem I quoted in order to strengthen the message of my essay.